I refuse to engage in old games and am working on changing my behavoirs and tendencies of dominating and stealing attention, and to attempt to pump up a non-existent sense of self-worth. I am not a saint, I am merely a work in progress, and will not claim to have transcended my capability for anger, merely to have decided and worked to never again, if I can help it, give in to it. I have no tools with which to make amends; even attempting to do so causes the same trouble I am attempting to overcome. (Ever attempt to fix something and merely break it further?)
I am not attempting to fight. I refuse to fight anymore. I am not attempting to force my perspective down anyone's throat. I am merely attempting to champion something I believe to be overlooked, and hope for like minds with whom to discuss it. I don't have to make anyone wrong, or to put down anyone's efforts. I'm over here, they're over there. I'm not going to hurt anyone. I even attempted to offer up my main new sonic interest in order to begin amends. I just want to continue exploring music and sound. Ignore me if you need to, I don't mind, especially if it would make the community a better place.
To those I have frightened, I am sorry. As a highly damaged individual (abandonment, abuse, dual diagnosis), it has taken a lot of work to even gain the perspective that my behaviour is not what I should engage in, much less receive. I am neither seeking pity nor forgiveness; I'm simply stating facts for consideration. Being me can be extremely difficult. Give me a break. I could well use it.
To those who take my suffering as opportunity to cause further suffering, I hope that you find something else upon which to transfer your own suffering, or even better, to heal that which drives you into behaviour you know to be below your own sense of value. I have hurt, and caused hurt in others, attempting to be "heard" and aided. Now I have gained ground into healing and recommend it. Know that to continue negativity is only to hurt yourself as it creates a negative heirarchy, a trend of a group damaging whatever it can. A positive heirarchy is to reach out and give aid to the damaged. Guess which feels better. Guess which one is a better place in which to live.
